No matter how hard I try ........

Today is Saturday July 16th.  It has been three whole months since I started my break from chemo.  I have done so much and seen so much and of course eaten so much.  I have been able to spend time with friends and take an amazing trip and even bring a new critter into the family.

But still....... Monday the 18th looms in front of me.  I can feel my heart rate increase and I have to take my little white pills to get some good sleep in.  No matter how hard I try I can't keep my mind from going to that place of unrest and anticipation.  I pray about it and I know I have the faith it takes to get through it but no matter how hard I try I can't forget it.

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank my amazing husband for his thoughtful acts of kindness.  Especially making my dream of going to Alaska again come true and his ability to hold his tongue when I walked in the door with a three legged year old dog named Annie. But still ......Monday is only a day away.

On all my other breaks I have always had a cough and even though it sounds gross I was always coughing up flem from my chest.  At some point during the breaks I would start coughing up those teeny tiny threads of blood that were reminders of my ever looming disease.  This break I noticed I wasn't coughing up anything......until the other day.  Right before my PET scan I started coughing up gunk again and sure enough there was the smallest amount of blood mixed in with the gunk.  DARN IT !!!!!  I am still very hopeful that the "stuff" hasn't gone hog wild inside me.  I am thinking if I can just do four more treatments and take another small break.  Four treatments is basically two months.  I can actually wrap my heart and mind around that number.  Living by faith and knowing there is a plan is the only way to get through this.  My God wouldn't have gifted me my new special Annie if He didn't have a plan. 

My plan of course is turn Annie into a therapy dog and when I am not sitting getting chemo I will be sharing Annie with my friends that are.  Be thankful !!!! That's all I can say.  Don't focus on the silly stuff.  One of my dear FaceBook friends made a comment this week.  She said " wow it's only Wednesday".  My response to her was" different perspective, wow it's Wednesday already, chemo on Monday". Not that she shouldn't feel like her week is dragging, because I am sure that is how she feels but don't waste time worrying about it. Time goes faster than you think.  Another person made the comment that she was 70 year old already, my comment was basically I pray I can reach 70.

I want to tell you all again how much I love all of you.  Knowing you are out there praying and cheering me on.  Live life to your fullest. Make sure you listen and get all the blessings and gifts God has to offer. I will post results from the PET scan as soon as I can.