Wish we could measure sorrow and grief.

I haven't blogged for a while. I guess there was nothing so profound that I felt the urge to write. Now there is.  A lot of you know there was a horrible horrible plane crash here in the Superstition mountains right at Thanksgiving. For those of you that didn't hear about it a brief explanation. A divorced husband and two other people went and picked up his three young kids for Thanksgiving. I don't think any one knows yet what happened in that plane but the ex-husband was flying and some how crashed into the side of the mountain. The flames were so clearly seen from all around the East Valley.  My one friend had the video of the plane flying across the sky (in the dark) and then the little light disappeared and then a few seconds later.....BOOM !!! You see the impact fire then the fuel tank explodes.  It will haunt me for a very very long time. The other connection that made it so real for me was an old friend posted on FaceBook that her family knew the kids and her daughter was close to one of the boys.    She posted pictures of the mom, Karen, and her beautiful children.

My heart is so so heavy. It is one thing to hear about something and feel pain and sorrow but when it comes closer to you than you thought it would it becomes unbearable. I can't in any shape or form begin to feel or even imagine the intensity with which this woman's grief has taken over her world.  Even as a Christian I don't think I could reach far enough inside to pull out a blessing or the lesson that God may have intended. I have been driving around running errands and when I see the mountain I begin to cry and pray for this mom who now has to somehow get up every morning knowing her children and her ex-husband are gone. How...how does one deal with this. My pain for this mom is so deep and I want to some how swoop in and take her pain away. I want to try and take some of the burden away from her. I know that they have set up special funds to help her financially. That is some kind of relief, but only God can help her find a peace in all of this. I will never look at the mountain in the same way ever again.
My disease seems so small and insignificant right now. It would seem impossible that any one would want to switch places with me but given what this mom has been dealt I bet cancer looks like a better hand then the one she is holding. That is a sad thing to even imagine.
If you are a believer please, please be praying for this woman and the rest of her family who has also been affected by this tragic accident. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. They all have to find the answer within themselves that will give them peace. I know where mine would come from and has come from.

Rose

So this is one of those stories that can only be blogged  To big for FB.  There is a restaurant here in Payson that I haven't been to in probably three years.  It is a great hamburger place called Makeys Grill.  I told Suz and Glenn I really wanted to eat there this trip.  We were actually going to go for dinner but then realized Glenn had to teach in the valley tonight so we decided to go for lunch.  We came home after berry picking and cleaned up and off we went to Makey's.  It was kind of crowded because it was lunch time.  We were seated way in the back in this kind of secluded booth.  I even made a comment that "we are not that bad".  Our server came and was the sweetest soul.  She just had kind eyes and was a great server.  At one point she came to check on us after we got our food.  She looked right into my eyes and asked me how everything was.  And then she said "besides the food".  I smiled back at her and said great.  There was an instant connection.  She came back later and started to share her story.  Her 26 year old daughter has been battling some kind of illness for a while.  The doctors can not pinpoint what it is.  Some time of leukemia possibly.  I guess she has expressed to her mom that she can see the angles and she is ready to go.  She also says she can see her Dad and her Grandad waiting for her.  "God is having a big party for me up in heaven Mom, when are you gonna come up?" she asked Rose. 

By now Suz and I are in tears.  Again I ask "why me Lord?"  Why am I doing so well?  It just blows my mind the way he orchestrates these types of meetings.  It makes Him so real so and so big.  I am so touched by this woman and her strength in this whole process she is going through.  The funny thing is she called me a hero.  NOT !!!!!!  Just a sister trying to live as God wants me to.  He is so loving to allow me to join in Roses' story and be able to pray for her and her daughter J.

Next time I come up I will check in on Rose.  From the sound of it her precious daughter will probably already be in heaven. Please pray for Rose and J.

Just one of those very special mornings.

  First off I had chemo on Monday the 15th of August and I actually got out of the house, I drove, and did some errands. That in its self is amazing. I was a day early. Wahoo !  This week went pretty well over all. I had two bad days , Thursday and Friday. In fact Friday I was so grumpy and angry. I was feeling like it was never going to get better.  Then on Saturday morning I woke up and the difference was like night and day.  I know that one thing I am doing is trying to drink, drink,drink and then drink some more.  It is one of the hardest things for me to do.  Water or anything for that matter is so unappealing.  It almost makes me gag to even drink.  But....... my kidneys are in jeopardy and I MUST stay on top of that.  In fact I just got up and got my water cup.

I am rambling a little huh?  Bear with me.   Or should that be bare? Not sure they both look silly.  So this morning I armed my self with some long pants and my trusty poop cart and off to do poop duty.  The horses have been out on my neighbors pasture and so I clean one side.  The mosquitoes have finally arrived, that's why the long pants.  So here I am, my five hoofed critters milling around chopping on bits of grass.   Blue my needy dog that loves to go where I go.  Dakota, Jeff & Ginger's big sweet yellow lab was out with us too. He had a new chew so he was busy with that.  There were chickens and roosters clucking about and the best was Phsyco the wonder barn cat. He is always out with me. He loves being out with the horses and chickens. He is such a strange but sweet cat.  I was out there thinking it doesn't get much better than this.   I just gotta say I am so so grateful for every special morning I get and will continue to cherish each and every one. Mosquitoes and all.

You all do realize that in just a few short weeks summer will be on its way out.  You will know when first off because I will let you know when I see the first sign of Bubba's winter coat appearing. He is my barometer for falls coming. He isn't wrong either.  Second we will all feel it when we walk out the door in the morning and you feel the slightest of slight coolness in the air.  Ahhhhhh.... that is my favorite.  Then I can say.... I made it through another AZ summer.  Well I guess I better get back to drinking......my water that is.  Love to all.

Good Bye to a very special canine friend.

Monday we said goodbye to Valentine.  She was my next door neighbors big black lab mix.  Val and I had a very special bond and I will miss that old girl somthin fierce.  I can relate to her in such a special way.  She was aging the last few years and every summer we would think ahhhhh this is it she won't survive the heat.  But the fighter that she was she pushed through and made it into another cooler season.  We would sometimes just kind of sit and hang out in my yard and I would look into those big beautiful eyes.  She was special for sure.

I love you Valentine sleep in peace my beautiful friend.

Time for head shed........again.

Well now I know it takes about three months to get a good growth of hair. I also know by the third chem it will be gone again. In fact some of it is coming out now.  It is shedding in parts that women pay big bucks to get the hair off from. I have to say I have had fun with my cute short doo.  It has a nice wave to it and I could spice it up or slick it down.  I even had to use a brush on it a couple of times. I giggled when that happened. It was so odd to use a brush.  There was even a day where the humidity made it kind of frizzy.  Normally that would be a problem but again I had to laugh.  I am going to enjoy the no arm pit hair again.  That is a plus on the chemo side.  No hair or arm pits to shave means you save some money on razors and eventually when the hair is gone you save on shampoo and conditioner.  I have had the same shampoo and conditioner for I think at least a year but probably more.  It is one of those expensive hair regrowth kind.  When I have the shed going on I use a dab of each. This stuff will last me forever I am sure.

I am doing so much better this round of chem.  I noticed that the last time I started a new batch.  I was so sick after the first one and then it mellowed out. I am very grateful for that.  I am a little worried about the kidneys though.  The test I did was right after the first chemo so I think the problem was already there.  You gotta figure my organs are gonna give out before the "C" gets me.  I really have been drinking more too.  Probably still not enough though.  The 24 hour test is such a pain.  I will be finished with that this morning around 7am. Yahoo.  More than likely, if I know my doc, it won't be the last one either.  Better safe that sorry I guess.

Our new pup Annie is doing really well.  Her roomies have some issues with her like biting at their legs and trying to play. It is fun to watch.  Everyone gets along great even the cats are getting used to her.  She has fallen into our routine for the most part.  Her one icky habit is getting up between 2 & 3am and after the potty break she is up and raring to go.  She will come in and harass all the dogs on my bed which then of course keeps me up so here we are writing our bog at a very early hour.  It's a good thing I don't work anymore.  I am not sure I could get up this early and work all day like I used to.  Now I go out about 6am clean poop and then I am done until 3:30pm when I feed the dogs and horses again.  Not bad schedule right?  It can be soooooo boring though.

Anyway just wanted to touch base in a bit of a longer message than just a little on FB.  I hope you all have  great day and stay cool if you are in AZ or actually most of the country now.  Love ya.

Staying connected

Well here it is July 26th already. Just as I imagined the trip to Alaska is behind me and chemo looms before me.  Time is sure a funny thing.  In the moment you feel as if the day will never end and then blink....... and you are transformed into the future which is really just a month from that very long day.

I have had one chemo treatment already. My PET Scan results were not as I had prayed but not as bad as it could have been. The spots did progress again but in very small increments. We are talking one or two millimeters.  So we must press on with the chemo.  My body sure knows what is happening.  All those nasty side effects that finally went away after three months BAM! are back as if they never left.  My plan although I forgot to mention it to my doc are to go four treatments and take a small break. Kind of like two months on and one off.  That gives me something to look forward to anyway.

One thing I have noticed is my emotional disconnection.  During the week of chemo I am pretty much out of commission.  I communicate very little either by phone or computer.  I just don't feel like talking.  I am trying hard just to endure the yucks.  But when that happens there is a huge disconnect in my relationships.  I now feel like I am on the outside looking in.  My world is in motion but without me in it.  I am not really sure how to fix that.  I know all my friends are out there praying for me and I know they think about me but inside my head there is a sadness and a loneliness that just kind of tugs at me.  I guess I will have to pray about that.  Some how I need to stay connected both emotionally and physically.

An update on Annie.  She is doing really well.  I have discovered she is more puppy than I thought.  She has some chewing issues but I have lots of chew toys and treats to help with that.  The cats are almost okay with her.  They will come out of hiding now and join us in the evening again.  She is a real blessing and I do love her so.

No matter how hard I try ........

Today is Saturday July 16th.  It has been three whole months since I started my break from chemo.  I have done so much and seen so much and of course eaten so much.  I have been able to spend time with friends and take an amazing trip and even bring a new critter into the family.

But still....... Monday the 18th looms in front of me.  I can feel my heart rate increase and I have to take my little white pills to get some good sleep in.  No matter how hard I try I can't keep my mind from going to that place of unrest and anticipation.  I pray about it and I know I have the faith it takes to get through it but no matter how hard I try I can't forget it.

I have so much to be thankful for. I thank my amazing husband for his thoughtful acts of kindness.  Especially making my dream of going to Alaska again come true and his ability to hold his tongue when I walked in the door with a three legged year old dog named Annie. But still ......Monday is only a day away.

On all my other breaks I have always had a cough and even though it sounds gross I was always coughing up flem from my chest.  At some point during the breaks I would start coughing up those teeny tiny threads of blood that were reminders of my ever looming disease.  This break I noticed I wasn't coughing up anything......until the other day.  Right before my PET scan I started coughing up gunk again and sure enough there was the smallest amount of blood mixed in with the gunk.  DARN IT !!!!!  I am still very hopeful that the "stuff" hasn't gone hog wild inside me.  I am thinking if I can just do four more treatments and take another small break.  Four treatments is basically two months.  I can actually wrap my heart and mind around that number.  Living by faith and knowing there is a plan is the only way to get through this.  My God wouldn't have gifted me my new special Annie if He didn't have a plan. 

My plan of course is turn Annie into a therapy dog and when I am not sitting getting chemo I will be sharing Annie with my friends that are.  Be thankful !!!! That's all I can say.  Don't focus on the silly stuff.  One of my dear FaceBook friends made a comment this week.  She said " wow it's only Wednesday".  My response to her was" different perspective, wow it's Wednesday already, chemo on Monday". Not that she shouldn't feel like her week is dragging, because I am sure that is how she feels but don't waste time worrying about it. Time goes faster than you think.  Another person made the comment that she was 70 year old already, my comment was basically I pray I can reach 70.

I want to tell you all again how much I love all of you.  Knowing you are out there praying and cheering me on.  Live life to your fullest. Make sure you listen and get all the blessings and gifts God has to offer. I will post results from the PET scan as soon as I can.