Well here it is July 26th already. Just as I imagined the trip to Alaska is behind me and chemo looms before me. Time is sure a funny thing. In the moment you feel as if the day will never end and then blink....... and you are transformed into the future which is really just a month from that very long day.
I have had one chemo treatment already. My PET Scan results were not as I had prayed but not as bad as it could have been. The spots did progress again but in very small increments. We are talking one or two millimeters. So we must press on with the chemo. My body sure knows what is happening. All those nasty side effects that finally went away after three months BAM! are back as if they never left. My plan although I forgot to mention it to my doc are to go four treatments and take a small break. Kind of like two months on and one off. That gives me something to look forward to anyway.
One thing I have noticed is my emotional disconnection. During the week of chemo I am pretty much out of commission. I communicate very little either by phone or computer. I just don't feel like talking. I am trying hard just to endure the yucks. But when that happens there is a huge disconnect in my relationships. I now feel like I am on the outside looking in. My world is in motion but without me in it. I am not really sure how to fix that. I know all my friends are out there praying for me and I know they think about me but inside my head there is a sadness and a loneliness that just kind of tugs at me. I guess I will have to pray about that. Some how I need to stay connected both emotionally and physically.
An update on Annie. She is doing really well. I have discovered she is more puppy than I thought. She has some chewing issues but I have lots of chew toys and treats to help with that. The cats are almost okay with her. They will come out of hiding now and join us in the evening again. She is a real blessing and I do love her so.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
No matter how hard I try ........
Today is Saturday July 16th. It has been three whole months since I started my break from chemo. I have done so much and seen so much and of course eaten so much. I have been able to spend time with friends and take an amazing trip and even bring a new critter into the family.
But still....... Monday the 18th looms in front of me. I can feel my heart rate increase and I have to take my little white pills to get some good sleep in. No matter how hard I try I can't keep my mind from going to that place of unrest and anticipation. I pray about it and I know I have the faith it takes to get through it but no matter how hard I try I can't forget it.
I have so much to be thankful for. I thank my amazing husband for his thoughtful acts of kindness. Especially making my dream of going to Alaska again come true and his ability to hold his tongue when I walked in the door with a three legged year old dog named Annie. But still ......Monday is only a day away.
On all my other breaks I have always had a cough and even though it sounds gross I was always coughing up flem from my chest. At some point during the breaks I would start coughing up those teeny tiny threads of blood that were reminders of my ever looming disease. This break I noticed I wasn't coughing up anything......until the other day. Right before my PET scan I started coughing up gunk again and sure enough there was the smallest amount of blood mixed in with the gunk. DARN IT !!!!! I am still very hopeful that the "stuff" hasn't gone hog wild inside me. I am thinking if I can just do four more treatments and take another small break. Four treatments is basically two months. I can actually wrap my heart and mind around that number. Living by faith and knowing there is a plan is the only way to get through this. My God wouldn't have gifted me my new special Annie if He didn't have a plan.
My plan of course is turn Annie into a therapy dog and when I am not sitting getting chemo I will be sharing Annie with my friends that are. Be thankful !!!! That's all I can say. Don't focus on the silly stuff. One of my dear FaceBook friends made a comment this week. She said " wow it's only Wednesday". My response to her was" different perspective, wow it's Wednesday already, chemo on Monday". Not that she shouldn't feel like her week is dragging, because I am sure that is how she feels but don't waste time worrying about it. Time goes faster than you think. Another person made the comment that she was 70 year old already, my comment was basically I pray I can reach 70.
I want to tell you all again how much I love all of you. Knowing you are out there praying and cheering me on. Live life to your fullest. Make sure you listen and get all the blessings and gifts God has to offer. I will post results from the PET scan as soon as I can.
But still....... Monday the 18th looms in front of me. I can feel my heart rate increase and I have to take my little white pills to get some good sleep in. No matter how hard I try I can't keep my mind from going to that place of unrest and anticipation. I pray about it and I know I have the faith it takes to get through it but no matter how hard I try I can't forget it.
I have so much to be thankful for. I thank my amazing husband for his thoughtful acts of kindness. Especially making my dream of going to Alaska again come true and his ability to hold his tongue when I walked in the door with a three legged year old dog named Annie. But still ......Monday is only a day away.
On all my other breaks I have always had a cough and even though it sounds gross I was always coughing up flem from my chest. At some point during the breaks I would start coughing up those teeny tiny threads of blood that were reminders of my ever looming disease. This break I noticed I wasn't coughing up anything......until the other day. Right before my PET scan I started coughing up gunk again and sure enough there was the smallest amount of blood mixed in with the gunk. DARN IT !!!!! I am still very hopeful that the "stuff" hasn't gone hog wild inside me. I am thinking if I can just do four more treatments and take another small break. Four treatments is basically two months. I can actually wrap my heart and mind around that number. Living by faith and knowing there is a plan is the only way to get through this. My God wouldn't have gifted me my new special Annie if He didn't have a plan.
My plan of course is turn Annie into a therapy dog and when I am not sitting getting chemo I will be sharing Annie with my friends that are. Be thankful !!!! That's all I can say. Don't focus on the silly stuff. One of my dear FaceBook friends made a comment this week. She said " wow it's only Wednesday". My response to her was" different perspective, wow it's Wednesday already, chemo on Monday". Not that she shouldn't feel like her week is dragging, because I am sure that is how she feels but don't waste time worrying about it. Time goes faster than you think. Another person made the comment that she was 70 year old already, my comment was basically I pray I can reach 70.
I want to tell you all again how much I love all of you. Knowing you are out there praying and cheering me on. Live life to your fullest. Make sure you listen and get all the blessings and gifts God has to offer. I will post results from the PET scan as soon as I can.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
And then along came Annie !
I am not sure if I have mentioned how many animals I had when we moved into our house. There was one dog, named Kaya, she was the best dog ever. A once in a lifetime kind of dog. There were two cats, Grey Kitty and Precious. Precious is still with us and is eighteen years young. As for horsey type animals I had Bubba the mule and Amy, my beautiful buckskin. That was it. Pretty simple.
Through the years there have been several different dogs that have blessed our home. My dear husband is often heard saying things like "NO MORE PETS". I of course hear those words but for some reason I guess I forget. How ridiculous that would be , me with no pets. Like not breathing for me.
So on the Saturday before our trip to Alaska I decided to stop in at PetsMart near the house. I needed some odor killer. In my brain I asked myself "I wonder if they are having the adoption thing today?" I walked in and sure enough there were a couple of portable corrals set up with several dogs and puppies. My eyes went right to Annie. She was in with a few very cute puppies but I didn't even see them. I only saw her. She was so beautiful and so sweet. I had already fallen in love with her when I realized she only had three legs. Yep, she's a cute tripod. It is her right front that is missing which makes things a little tougher.
Well I knew I couldn't take her home because we were leaving and I wouldn't have enough time to get her into our routine. I mentioned to the rescue girl I was very interested but I would have to wait. If she is still available when I get back I will adopt her. This is how I know when things are meant to be, as I drove off from PetsMart I cried like a baby. God had put that dog on my heart and I knew she was going to be part of our family soon. I thought about Annie during my trip. Wondering if she was still available. I was very excited to get home and find out.
Now you all must realize I haven't mentioned Annie to Gary yet. No point in getting into an argument for no reason. When it comes to new pets I am a firm believer in not asking for permission but asking for forgiveness. Once they are in the house they will have a safe and loving home for the rest of their lives. Gary loves them as much as I do. Especially the cats. We came home on Saturday late in the afternoon. On Sunday my friend Dona asked if I wanted to run an errand with her and I did. Off we went towards Alma School and Elliott. While on our way I thought what a perfect time to call Jen and check on Annie. Jen answered the phone and was so excited I called. It seems she didn't even take Annie to the last two PetsMart adoption days in hopes I would really call and adopt her. God thing !!!!!! Jen works and has been keeping Annie in a crate for almost 20 hours a day !! EEEEEEEKKKKKKK !!! She hates doing that and asked if I could pick her up now. God bless Dona, we were half way there as it was and Jen said she could come our way so we agreed to transfer Annie to me ASAP. We met at Guadalupe and McClintok in the parking lot. We were lucky there was a big tree with shade that we could park under and get Annie moved to Dona's car. After a little paperwork we were on our way. Annie is an awesome car traveler. She just lays down and enjoys the ride. On the way home my mind was pondering the approach to take to get her in the house. I decided to go around the back and get her into the yard. That way the other dogs could greet her out in the open. When I went around to the gate I couldn't get it open. Ahhhhhh ! Frustrating. Oh well we are going in the front door, what the heck. I opened the door and we came in. Bustah, Corky and Blue were there to greet Annie in typical dog style, lots of sniffs. Basically Gary came from the office and said "what do we have here? another dog?" "Yep her name is Annie, she has three legs, I love her and she made me cry". End of story, well not really the end but as far as any discussion it was.
Annie fell into place within five minutes. She fits into our groove as if she has been here all her life. I knew she would, that's why I was so intent on adopting her. I knew God had put her in my path for just that reason. One of my desires is to have a therapy dog to take to the cancer clinics and spread some joy. I know I love having a dog come around when I am feeling yucky. Annie is that dog !! I have to do some research and get her into a program. What an inspiration she will be. A three legged dog with a heart as big as the world. Annie is only a year old so hopefully with Gods grace spend many years together spreading cheer and happy times for lots of people.
Through the years there have been several different dogs that have blessed our home. My dear husband is often heard saying things like "NO MORE PETS". I of course hear those words but for some reason I guess I forget. How ridiculous that would be , me with no pets. Like not breathing for me.
So on the Saturday before our trip to Alaska I decided to stop in at PetsMart near the house. I needed some odor killer. In my brain I asked myself "I wonder if they are having the adoption thing today?" I walked in and sure enough there were a couple of portable corrals set up with several dogs and puppies. My eyes went right to Annie. She was in with a few very cute puppies but I didn't even see them. I only saw her. She was so beautiful and so sweet. I had already fallen in love with her when I realized she only had three legs. Yep, she's a cute tripod. It is her right front that is missing which makes things a little tougher.
Well I knew I couldn't take her home because we were leaving and I wouldn't have enough time to get her into our routine. I mentioned to the rescue girl I was very interested but I would have to wait. If she is still available when I get back I will adopt her. This is how I know when things are meant to be, as I drove off from PetsMart I cried like a baby. God had put that dog on my heart and I knew she was going to be part of our family soon. I thought about Annie during my trip. Wondering if she was still available. I was very excited to get home and find out.
Now you all must realize I haven't mentioned Annie to Gary yet. No point in getting into an argument for no reason. When it comes to new pets I am a firm believer in not asking for permission but asking for forgiveness. Once they are in the house they will have a safe and loving home for the rest of their lives. Gary loves them as much as I do. Especially the cats. We came home on Saturday late in the afternoon. On Sunday my friend Dona asked if I wanted to run an errand with her and I did. Off we went towards Alma School and Elliott. While on our way I thought what a perfect time to call Jen and check on Annie. Jen answered the phone and was so excited I called. It seems she didn't even take Annie to the last two PetsMart adoption days in hopes I would really call and adopt her. God thing !!!!!! Jen works and has been keeping Annie in a crate for almost 20 hours a day !! EEEEEEEKKKKKKK !!! She hates doing that and asked if I could pick her up now. God bless Dona, we were half way there as it was and Jen said she could come our way so we agreed to transfer Annie to me ASAP. We met at Guadalupe and McClintok in the parking lot. We were lucky there was a big tree with shade that we could park under and get Annie moved to Dona's car. After a little paperwork we were on our way. Annie is an awesome car traveler. She just lays down and enjoys the ride. On the way home my mind was pondering the approach to take to get her in the house. I decided to go around the back and get her into the yard. That way the other dogs could greet her out in the open. When I went around to the gate I couldn't get it open. Ahhhhhh ! Frustrating. Oh well we are going in the front door, what the heck. I opened the door and we came in. Bustah, Corky and Blue were there to greet Annie in typical dog style, lots of sniffs. Basically Gary came from the office and said "what do we have here? another dog?" "Yep her name is Annie, she has three legs, I love her and she made me cry". End of story, well not really the end but as far as any discussion it was.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I'mmmmmm Back !!!!!!
Well I didn't fall off the face of the earth like it may seem. I did however go to one of the most beautiful spots on earth, Alaska !! This was our third time and it was just as amazing as the first two.
We saw sooooooo many whales. Our whale watching excursion started out rather slow. My thought was okay we were very blessed the first two times so whatever it is it is. Then of course the humpbacks came into view. They are awesome to watch. The problem is they are not as visible and they tend to dive more often. If you are lucky enough to see them dive you get that famous tail fluke and then off they go for 10- 15 minutes maybe. You can't get to close either so you better have some good binocs.
Then as a special blessing the orcas appeared. We have seen them all three cruises. The guides tell us that only about 10% of the tourists get to see them. Well we feel so blessed. We found a pretty big pod and they were stretched out all over the channel we were in. People were yelling out "hey over there" " there's one over there" "look here is two right next to the boat". It was amazing.
Well I could go on and on but I am still catching up on laundry and unpacking some stuff so I will go for now. Hopefully I will not wait so long in between writings.
Glad to be home, well most of me is, not the part that likes the cool weather in Alaska. Love ya all.
We saw sooooooo many whales. Our whale watching excursion started out rather slow. My thought was okay we were very blessed the first two times so whatever it is it is. Then of course the humpbacks came into view. They are awesome to watch. The problem is they are not as visible and they tend to dive more often. If you are lucky enough to see them dive you get that famous tail fluke and then off they go for 10- 15 minutes maybe. You can't get to close either so you better have some good binocs.
Then as a special blessing the orcas appeared. We have seen them all three cruises. The guides tell us that only about 10% of the tourists get to see them. Well we feel so blessed. We found a pretty big pod and they were stretched out all over the channel we were in. People were yelling out "hey over there" " there's one over there" "look here is two right next to the boat". It was amazing.
Well I could go on and on but I am still catching up on laundry and unpacking some stuff so I will go for now. Hopefully I will not wait so long in between writings.
Glad to be home, well most of me is, not the part that likes the cool weather in Alaska. Love ya all.
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